Why You Are Failing in Love

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Hello. My name is Lyneè, and I am a Puppy Love addict. I am a hopeless romantic. I am in love with Love. I am addicted to the butterflies and excitement of brand new relationships. I am emotional, I am sentimental… I am a Lover.

But a long time ago I taught myself how to be rational. I taught myself how to separate my emotions from what was logical. I learned how to be self-reflective and introspective. I learned how to distinguish between the wants of my heart, and the needs of my spirit. I learned that all emotions, no matter how powerful, are transitory. Happiness, sadness, excitement, anger, fear, in all degrees and variations, are only temporary.

The most common conversations I have with both men and women are about their frustrations over series of failed relationships. For many of my girl and guy friends over the course of many years, I have been one of the firsts to know when they become really excited over the prospect of a new relationship. And while I am always keeping my fingers crossed for them, I know that within three to six months I will receive word that their relationship has fallen apart.

As your best girlfriend, I want you to be happy. I want the best for you. I want you to be successful in love. And as a puppy love addict who is so very far beyond the puppy love phase, and working diligently towards having a long-lasting, loving and successful marriage, I feel obligated to give you some advice.

If you make a connection with someone who gives you an overwhelming feeling of happiness, you will more than likely equate that with being in love. But what you are feeling is not really love. It is joy, excitement and anticipation over something brand new. You are in the Puppy Love phase. And within three to six months, once the overwhelming feeling of happiness starts to fade, once the blinders of love start to fall off, you will become exposed to who your partner really is. And most times, you will not like what you see. Or as one of my commenters, so eloquently stated, “They were putting their best foot forward and now their other leg has caught up.”

Why You Cannot Move Passed the Puppy Love Phase

Do you develop strong physical and emotional attachments to people at the beginning of a new relationship, and then find them completely boring or irritating within a few months?

Do you push friends, family, and your favorite hobbies completely to the back burner when you start a new relationship?

Do you reflect on previous relationships and more often than not ask yourself, “what the BLEEP was I thinking?”

As soon as you end one relationship, do you find yourself in a brand new one shortly afterwards?

If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, please join me over here on the heart-shaped couch. Because you, my friend, are a Puppy Love addict. The most common thing we addicts do is create a mental checklist of superficial qualities we think we want in a partner. And as soon as we find the person that fits this criteria, we become excited over the potential this person has to meet all of our physical and emotional needs.

And then if this person happens to make us feel overwhelmingly happy, that is when we become blinded to the traits and qualities that truly formulate who this person really is. Our eyes and our hearts zero in on one thing, and one thing only: the way they make us feel.

Remember what I said about happiness? It is an emotion. Remember what I said about emotions? They are temporary. So when the overwhelming sensation of happiness goes away, and this person is no longer capable of making us feel the same anymore, that is when we start to get our vision back. That is when we start rubbing our eyes, squinting, and peering at the person that stands before us. That is when we can finally see who they are, and we are in disbelief that we ever fell for them in the first place.

You thought you knew who they were, but if you can be honest in your self-reflection, you will admit that you never really knew them at all. Why? Because it takes a whole lot longer than six months to discover what a person is truly made of. The only thing you knew was how you felt when you were with them. And if you are honest with yourself, you will admit that you were only attracted to those feelings.

How to Move Passed the Puppy Love Phase

If you are a chronic puppy love addict and truly desire to develop a real, mature relationship, there is only one thing you can do: search your soul, be introspective, and self-reflective. This requires you to tap into your own heart and be one-hundred percent honest with yourself. You have to discover the patterns that connected you to those failed relationships in the first place.

Figure out what your superficial mental checklist is for those you are attracted to. Reflect back on the initial attraction you felt to those you dated in the past, and write down what they had in common. What did they look like? How and where did you meet them? How soon did you start getting physical with them? 

Reflect on the circumstances that led you to pursue a relationship with them. Were you bored and just craving companionship? Were you heart-broken from a previous relationship? Were you feeling lonely? Were you feeling pressured?

If you are completely honest with yourself in your introspection, you will see why your previous relationships were doomed from the start. And if you are honestly ready to make a change, if you are really ready for true love, you will realize that you have the power to change the outcome of your future relationships before they start.

If you are a chronic puppy love addict and truly desire to develop a real, mature relationship, then take your superficial mental checklist of requirements for a potential mate and throw them out of the window. Do not fool yourself into thinking that the relationship with a new person, who fits the exact same pattern and criteria of those from your previous relationships, will turn out differently.

And if you are really ready for a mature relationship, you will recognize when your heart starts to pitter-patter for the wrong person. You will have the ability to rationalize exactly what you are feeling, why you are feeling it, and what will happen in three to six months if you choose to pursue it.

In order to move passed the puppy love phase, devote your alone time to self-discovery. Who are you? What are you passionate about? What do you stand for? Figure out a way to be happy when you are by yourself. Because when you meet a potential mate, you will not rely on them to bring you happiness. You will not become addicted to the way they make you feel.

Instead, you will put in the time and effort to discover who they are, what they are passionate about, and what they stand for. And if you can find the commonalities in your characters, in the qualities that make both of you who you are, then use your commonalities as the building blocks for your relationship.

When you fall in love with a person’s character, when you fall in love with who they are, what they are passionate about, and what they stand for, then you have taken the most significant step towards being successful in love.

If you have not already, go back and read my first two blogs, The Golden Rules of Being in Puppy Love and Puppy Love to Mature Love.

I hope this post was helpful to at least one person. And don’t forget that everything I write to you stems from a place that wants you to be happy and to find success in love.

~Love and Happiness from your Best Girlfriend~

7 thoughts on “Why You Are Failing in Love

  1. Hi. My name is Randall, and I’m a Puppy Love addict. While reading this, it’s like you wrote it about me. Thank you, I’m going to take you words to heart. I’m wondering if I need to stop going on dates altogether for a while? I’m a serial dater and am doing a much better job of recognizing early on what I want and what I don’t, but I do go on a lot of dates. I feel like it’s a math thing. Go on 5 dates, meet 5 new people, maybe you’ll find one you really connect with. But if you go on 50 dates, you’ve got a way better chance of meeting someone special. It’s been my philosophy for a while, and things like Grouper, Tinder, Hinge and other dating services/apps are making it very easy to keep my numbers up. Maybe I need a break, but I’m so worried that if I go off the grid I might miss the one.

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    1. Randall, my BFF, it sounds like you have a great sense of intuition. There is a reason your instinct is suggesting you go off the grid for a while, and I think you should follow it. If I were in your shoes (which I and so many others can identify with), I would take a break and kick up my self-reflection into high gear. For me, putting my thoughts and feelings on paper reveals everything going on inside of me that I can’t articulate. It’s how I keep learning about who I am.

      I think that in seeking “the one”, we are looking for the person who fulfills all of our subconscious (and often times superficial) standards of what we are attracted to. But we also want them to have an inexplicable quality that will maintain the twiterpation ( 😉 ) inside of us long after the puppy love phase has ended. Going on so many dates to find this girl is like sifting through a barn full of hay searching for that needle. When we constantly have access to too many options, it can lead us to just start looking for trigger words/actions that cause us to move on to the next one without even taking the time to get to know the person’s heart.

      I plan to create a post about this in the near future, but I believe that there are too many people on this planet for there to only be one “the one.” There are thousands of people we can fall in puppy love with, but if we keep looking for the one person who will keep us in puppy love, we’ll be looking for the rest of our lives.

      Randall, my friend, you strike me as a Lover: you have a huge heart, you want to fall in love, and you want to give give give to the person you love. So the type of girl you will have a successful relationship with is someone who also has a huge heart, and who is also a giver. She will not just take take take at the beginning of the relationship; she will try to match your giving. Her most obvious trait will be her overt sense of empathy and her obsession with figuring out who you are as person. She will not just ask superficial questions to make small talk. She’ll ask hard questions and initiate deep conversations because she is on a mission to discover your heart. If you choose to open up to her, to trust her, and she falls in love with your heart, she will go out of her way to protect it. This is the inexplicable quality that will keep you drawn to her long after the 5-month mark. And I still stand by my prediction that she won’t fit the same mold as the girls from the past, which means if you are looking for her with your eyes, you may skip over her. So be sure to keep an open heart and an open mind. This does not mean that developing a serious relationship and falling into mature love with her is going to be effortless. Once the honeymoon period is over, you will have to make the choice to move forward with her. And if you don’t take the time to self-reflect and figure yourself out, you may choose to jump ship again. So if your intuition is telling you to stop dating for a while, listen to it.

      I am officially emotionally invested in your journey and will add you to the list of those I am keeping my fingers crossed for. And to know that this post was helpful to you at all makes my heart warm and fuzzy. So thank YOU!

      Liked by 1 person

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