As passionate as I am about love and as addicted as I am to hopeless romanticism, I do not believe in the existence of soulmates. I am a Puppy Love addict, so I am fully aware of the feelings people develop for someone who meets the criteria of a “soulmate.” I understand why we believe there is only one person on earth for us. For as long as I can remember, I believed in this fairy tale version of love. But after twelve years of learning, growing, and raising a family with the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with, I have come to the conclusion that society’s concept of a soulmate is a fairy tale. And fairy tales do not exist.
A soulmate can be defined as the one person on earth who completes you, who is your other half, who fits you like the perfect sized glove. The connection you develop with your soulmate is supposed to be easy, and your love is supposed to be effortless. (S)he will have the ability to meet all of your needs and fulfill all of your desires. He or she is THE ONE: the only person on earth you were meant to live happily ever after with. But I have come to learn three things about true love that completely debunk the concept of what a soulmate is supposed to be.
Love Is Unconditional
The love between soulmates is supposed to be easy and effortless. But I am here to tell you that real, genuine, authentic love is not easy. Why? Because real love is not based on reward or merit. When your lover has wronged you, you do not respond in anger. You do not retaliate. You do not renege on the commitments and promises you made to them. Real love is given in the best and the worst of times. It is given when your lover does not deserve it. And it is reciprocated when you do not deserve it.
Love Is Not Uncontrollable
If you have ever uttered the phrase, “I just can’t help the way I feel,” in reference to someone who has control over your emotions, then you are in Puppy Love. Being in puppy love means that there are specific actions this person is taking to draw out from you an overwhelming sensation of happiness. To relinquish total control of your emotions to another person is not love. It is making that person responsible for your happiness. You should be the only one responsible for the way you feel.
Love Is A Choice
Falling in love with someone during the rainbow and butterfly periods of a relationship is easy. It is after you have come to learn all of your partner’s complexities that you choose to love everything that makes your partner who (s)he is. It is during those heart-wrenching, emotionally-draining clouds and storms in your relationship that you look your partner in the face and say, “Seeing this side of you hurts my heart, but I am making the conscious decision to love you anyway.” Love is seeing all of the good, all of the bad, all of the ugly in your partner and making the conscious decision to love him or her anyway.
Love Builds Slowly
To be in search of someone you can easily connect with, someone you can effortlessly fall in love with translates to the fact that you are looking for a shortcut to everlasting love. The only way to fall in love quickly and easily is to form a connection based on superficial traits. But true love is built on the connection between hearts. True love only develops after you have discovered everything there is to know about who your partner is, how (s)he came to be this way, and then making the choice to embrace all of him or her. There is nothing quick or effortless about this process.
Love Is Whole
To believe that there is someone out there who completes you actually translates to the fact that, by yourself, you are not whole. There is a void, an emptiness inside that you believe can only be filled by another person. To use someone’s love as a tool to fill your emptiness is to give them ownership of a piece of you; it gives them the power to define you. Finding love is not about looking for someone to tell you who you are. It is about finding someone who makes you want to be the very best version of yourself. Because when you really love someone, the very best is who they deserve.
Considering the billions of people that exist in this world, I cannot allow myself to believe that there is only one person out there for us. Instead of searching for a soulmate, search for someone who encompasses the character traits that give you the best chance of having a long-lasting, successful relationship. Embrace those parts of who he or she is, and make the choice to love the rest.
~Love and Happiness from your Best Girlfriend~