I’m Finally in Love With You

We spent the day apart, which was finally okay. Because I am learning that I cannot hold you hostage to me. I realize that the happiest way to be together is to be happy when we’re apart. So for the first time in a long time, I did not resent you for investing time in yourself.

While you were gone, I had time to think about you. To think about us. How we became, how we nearly fell apart, and how we came back together. And I realized that the faults in our relationship were the faults of my own. I demanded more. I needed too much. I wasn’t satisfied with what we had. And I realized it was because I was broken. That what I thought was missing in us was really missing in me.

There are holes inside of me that I resented you for not filling. The words I hurled at you like daggers, the ultimatums to give me more or else. The pain I caused to break you because I could not fix myself.

So I asked myself what I wanted from you. And I finally got it right: what I want from you is what I need to give myself.

It took a long time, but I finally get it. You are not supposed to be the cement to fill my gaps. You are not supposed to be the knight to slay the dragons of my insecurities. I am sorry for forcing that into your hands. Please forgive me for making that your role, and for hurting you when you could not accept it.  I have to be my own cement. I have to be my own knight.

Now that I know my emptiness is my fault, and my fulfillment is my responsibility, I finally realize that everything you have given me, everything you have invested in us, has always been more than enough. And you will never stop giving more than enough because you love me too much.

So we spent the day apart. And when you came home, my smile stretched from ear to ear. When you looked into my eyes, you melted my heart. After all of these years, I am finally in love with you. I am finally ready to invest everything. I am finally willing to give you more than enough. I am finally ready to be the woman you deserve.

Thank you for never withdrawing your heart from me. Thank you for being the greatest example of how to love. And thank you for patiently waiting for me to learn how to love you back.

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