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As a Lover, I cannot think of a greater feeling than receiving the affections of the person you have fallen head over heels for. And as an addict of the gut-churning butterflies, I am all too aware of the desire to throw all of yourself into a relationship that makes you feel so overwhelmingly happy. I know what it means to invest so much of yourself into someone you love for the sake of maintaining that feeling.
But I also know what it’s like when things fall apart. I have experienced and been witness to the devastation of broken relationships. I have been a shoulder to cry on, and have cried onto shoulders in the aftermath of a heart that has been broken to pieces. I know the pain. I know how much it hurts.
A lot of us do not realize that we are not whole. Many of us are victims of experiences that have stolen pieces of ourselves, and our knee-jerk response is to look outwards to fill those voids. Some choose drugs or alcohol, some art or music. And some of us choose to fill our voids with people. We pursue relationships that turn our lovers into the perfect distraction from the fact that there is something missing inside of us.
I have been reflecting on the meaning of true love and its purpose in our lives. The more I reflect, the more I realize that many of us have got it all wrong. We misinterpret so many other feelings and emotions for love, and this misinterpretation results in series upon series of heartbreak and failed relationships.
There is a great danger in putting all of yourself into a relationship when you are not whole. When you find someone who fills your voids, you finally feel complete, and you mistake this feeling for being in love. This takes over your mind and emotions until you lose complete control of yourself.
And what happens next? Your serotonin levels go flying into the clouds, and you become addicted to this happiness. Then you start handing over more and more pieces of your identity to your partner until your entire existence revolves around the way (s)he makes you feel. Before you know it, nothing can make you happier than being together. Nothing can devastate you more than being apart.
And this is where the danger comes in. Once your identity is entangled in your relationship, you have given your partner complete control over you. Your partner has the power to dictate what you feel and why. (S)he has the power to define you, to tell you who you are, and you can’t help but believe them. You have given them your heart to hold in the palm of their hand. Which is not so bad if you have chosen a kind, gentle, loving partner, who protects and cradles your heart. Who positively affirms you and regards you with love and respect. But if you have not chosen a kind partner? If you have chosen a selfish partner, whose first priority is his or her own happiness? Who manipulates and takes advantage of you to fulfill their own desires? Then all it takes is one squeeze, and you are powerless against the hurt. You are unprotected from the pain.
Love is not throwing your identity into the hands of another person and letting them dictate what, when, why and how you feel. Your lover does not have the power to make you feel good every second of every hour of every day. We are all human, flawed, imperfect. We are all susceptible to feeling pain, and causing pain.
The answer to protecting yourself from heartbreak is not to build up walls. The answer is digging into the core of who you are, discovering the nature of your voids, and taking the necessary steps to fill them. This will put you in control of your own identity. So that when you find the opportunity to love and be loved, you will not lose yourself. You will not become enslaved by your happiness. You will keep your heart and mind focused on building a solid foundation for a loving, long-lasting, successful relationship.
Fulfill your own needs. Take control of your own happiness. Make yourself whole.
~Love and Happiness from your Best Girlfriend~
The “Can I Get an Amen?” Corner
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